The Menu is Full and it is Holy

What a week! Where do I start? “Operation Swarmer”? Issac Hayes and Scientology? The government vs. Google? The Dubai port deal? Sure, you may ask, “Hey Joe, has finding something about which to write your tired, pseudo-clever claptrap ever been such a cinch? I mean really, you could spray birdshot from the proverbial merry-go-round and be sure of hitting the proverbial Texas lawyer in the cheek. It might only be a matter of days before the proverbial Washington Press Corps was given the proverbial news.” But I digress. And by the way, yes it has been this easy before. Like, consistently. Like, really, stunningly consistently. Like, for six freaking years. If stupid things occurring around the world as an indirect or direct result of U.S. involvement were individual snowflakes, we could hold a Super G competition on the South Lawn of the White House.
Uncharacteristically, let’s keep this short and sweet.

“Swarmer” (for the unaware, US armed forces last week launched the biggest ground offensive in nearly a year in the Salah ah Din province of Iraq):
Have you ever gone to a Middle Eastern restaurant and had shwarma? It’s kind of like what you find in a Gyro. It’s slow-cooked beef, chicken or lamb that’s been roasted, turned and seasoned on a skewer and served in bread like a rolled up sandwich.
I happen to work in a joint owned by an Israeli with an astute grasp of military history and strategy, not to mention a library’s worth of knowledge regarding food, especially the stuff local to him. To he and many others, “Operation Swarmer” may as well be called “Operation Reuben,” with sheets of terrible, terrible Russian dressing and sauerkraut raining from the sky like tasty napalm!

Issac Hayes:
(OK so this nothing to do with the government, but I think we can all agree South Park would never have enjoyed such wild popularity were it not for the rich, fertile, humid air of stupidity that has been circulating about our little corner of the biosphere for say, oh, five or six years.):
Formerly-washed-up-but-now-fabulously-wealthy one-hit-wonder soul sensation Isaac Hayes quit the Comedy Central cartoon “South Park,” last week, citing religious bigotry and intolerance as his reason for leaving. As South Park creators Matt Stone and Trey Parker said in a statement following Hayes’ resignation, “He didn’t seem to have a problem with us making fun of Christians, Jews and Muslims.” Hayes is a Scientologist. Regardless of his personal beliefs, it can’t be stressed enough that there is a huge difference between bigotry and humor. When you don’t let someone eat next to you because you don’t like the way they think or look, that’s bigotry. If you let them eat wherever the heck they want but laugh at them because they’re putting mayonnaise on their fries, that’s humor. Delicious humor. Heck, you can even go ahead and loosen the proverbial cap on the proverbial salt if you’re feeling particularly mischievous. Just don’t be shocked when your humorless French businessman victim knocks your proverbial teeth into your proverbial chili.

Google:
The Feds say they want Google’s search records to help in their efforts at defeating terrorists, to which I say, “Stand fast young entrepreneurs!”
Let me ask you this, if the government had access to all internet searches and say, a very, very good friend of mine typed in “Bush twins nude,” do you think he (or she, OR SHE) might see a ’03 Crown Victoria outside their house someday soon? (Those are the ones with the double fog lamps, right?)

Dubai:
Before I say anything else, please let me stress that I am not - I repeat – am not agreeing with GW on this one. But, (and it’s a big “but,” even bigger than Dick Cheney’s) Dubai had nothing to do with 9/11, almost as little as Iraq, except for the fact that one of the 9/11 hijackers did come from Dubai and none (let me translate that for you, as in “nada,” “zero,” “zilch,” and “zip,”) came from Iraq. Of course, the rest of them were from Saudi Arabia, but they’re our friends.
Sure the Dubai guys are just as corrupt as anyone in terms of insider information and shady business dealings, but the only reason the Republicans, the Democrats and the vast majority of the American Public got all freaky about the proposed Dubai port deal was because the guys from Dubai are Arabs and Arabs were responsible for 9/11. Hey, Canada may be responsible for Bryan Adams, but I’m still up for the Raptors coming to the Garden. Xenophobia wears many disguises, with this edition bearing a startling resemblance to Tennessee Republican and Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist. Frist’s mask sold millions in its first week on toy store shelves, breaking the seemingly untouchable record long held by Jesse Helms, who - though hampered by age - may yet, unfortunately, live to wrest it back.

Yes, it’s been a lounging, relaxing week here at Del Boca Navas. Instead of the usual “trying-to-figure-out-what-to-lampoon-and-being oh-so-unsatisfied-with-the-results,” (as the chorus of readers shouts in unison, “So are we!”) I have a seemingly never-ending stream of material flowing to my front door like so many Jehovah’s Witnesses pamphlets. Were I a religious man, I’d think it was some sort of divinely supplied gift. But, well… you know.